A Very Long Day

It was a very. long. day.

Kiersyn had a doctor’s appointment. They went ahead and did the blood work to check her thyroid. It was terrible. The first place stuck her and couldn’t get a vein so they sent us somewhere else where 3 of us held her down on a table and they had to dig around trying to find a vein for what felt like eternity. They never really got a good one and we had to wait forever for the stupid vial to fill with blood.

It was also the first time I had to address with our pediatrician that we are not currently continuing with vaccinations. As I feared, she was unhappy and expressed her disdain. I know it shouldn’t matter but I was pretty brokenhearted over the judgment I felt by the doctor. It has not been a decision I have taken lightly, I’ve done the research, weighed the risks and made the decision I felt I could live with. Isn’t that what we’re all doing as parents? And so we begin the search for a new pediatrician – one who supports alternative vaccination schedules, alternative medicine and a patient’s right to be in control of their own healthcare.  Thanks to Dr. Sears Vaccine Friendly list we have a few options right now. Any DFW mommas out there with a vaccine friendly doctor not listed there, PLEASE feel free to shoot me a message.

Additionally, we’ve begun to wean Kiersyn off her medication.

We’re on a 6 week plan to slowly reduce the dosage. I’m trying to go into this expecting nothing. I know we could make it 5 days or 5 weeks in and have to give up. I know there will be difficult days and nights no matter what. I don’t know how much I can push through, or how much I can let her endure to make it to the other side (if that’s a possibility). Prayers for this process? Please?

This comes at the end of several days of struggling with our insurance company for a whole lot of money they owe us for Kiersyn’s formula. It has become so frustrating and exhausting that I am very close to letting go of it. There’s really no amount of money worth the stress and emotional drain the fight has become.

It’s been a long few days… in the middle of recovering from surgery.

Did I tell you Kiersyn hit me in the nose with her head? That complicated things. I have an appointment Monday for them to check to see if it’s broken or fractured. They wanted to wait and let any swelling go back down. Based on the pain. pressure and swelling, I think there’s a chance there’s a small fracture. Of course not much can be done for that but mourn the fact that my surgically corrected septum is probably no longer perfectly straight. I find this kind of funny. Mostly because I figure nothing can get the best of me if I can laugh at it.   

After these past few days making stressful decisions that I am constantly aware could have lasting effects on my child’s future, I’m just trying to wrap my mind around the gravity of my job and the magnitude of the work God can do through a mother.

There are days when motherhood feels like a weight so heavy upon me that I can’t move from under it. Let me be clear, I do not mean that my daughter makes me feel this way.   She is joy. She is laughter.  She is a light burning bright. But motherhood… the essence of the mission and the ministry… is. so. much.  To think I am raising a person, a human being. Shaping a soul. Creating a disciple… That’s a big responsibility. That’s a huge responsibility deeply rooted in my own relationship with God and I’m struggling with how much my child’s future depends on my own here-and-now. I mean, I think there are some things that we are born with. Tendencies, disposition, personality traits… but I believe most anything can be taught. In many ways, in BIG ways, how Kiersyn handles difficult situations, how she forms and maintains relationships with other people, who she becomes and how she influences this world… starts with something as simple as my attitude in the face of stress.

I just keep asking myself, am I teaching this little soul to bear fruit by …bearing fruit?

Am I filling her days with Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control?

It’s just…

I was prepared to mold a child. But I wasn’t prepared for how much this would mold me.

It’s a strange thing that happens as you parent. You become more sensitive to the needs of others in everything from decision making to conversation simply from the habit of putting someone else’s needs first. You begin to care more about the world around you because you realize it isn’t just the place you live, it’s the environment in which your child will raise your grandchildren…

I guess I’m saying…

I knew adults make babies.

But

I never knew how much babies make us adults.