So my wonderful parents, recognizing the amount of stress Kiersyn’s current situation is placing on us, offered to keep K tonight while we went to dinner and a movie. We saw the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie (in IMAX 3D, an experience in and of itself if you’re willing to pay $16 a ticket). We had fun but I was struck by how different “dates” are after having a child. After dinner we had some time to kill and while trying to figure out what to do, I had two thoughts: #1. Wander around the baby dept. at Target and #2. Take a nap in the car. Pre-baby I highly doubt I would have considered either of these options. We did go to Target but it was uneventful besides the woman who yelled at me but that's a story for another time. We headed to the movies and I’m a strong believer that if you’re going to do something, you ought to do it right. That means getting popcorn. This particular theater had those machines where you get to put the butter on yourself. Have you ever considered how ridiculous the concept is? You press a button and instantly have a fountain of butter. Does anyone need a fountain of BUTTER, whose primary make up comes from the FAT found in milk? And have you watched how much people put on it? There’s probably already 4.2 million calories in a large movie theater popcorn and then we make a heart attack readily available to drench it with. Who needs that much butter? Well. I do. In fact I think it’s possible that I enjoy the butter more than the popcorn. If you don’t leave the theater feeling sick, you haven’t enjoyed the full potential of a movie-going experience. But anyway, the movie was good and we came home to a sleeping baby. Amazing! Especially considering she had a rough morning. We had to feed her the old non-prescription formula she is clearly allergic to. The pharmacy lost the prescription for her elemental formula and I spent all day on the phone with Texas Children’s in Houston who informed me her Dr. was not in the office and could not sign a new copy, then her pediatrician, other GI’s in Dallas and anyone who might be able to get us a prescription or have samples of her formula. Yet another hassle and I was so frustrated I was close to losing it. The past few weeks I've had so many moments of anger and frustration - of shaking my fists and demanding change from God. Telling Him why it shouldn't be like this" …as if I know better. I was supposed to have a 100% healthy, happy baby. We’re supposed to be enjoying every moment of the short time she is this little. It shouldn’t be just making it through. I shouldn’t think “If we can just make it past this...” But God heard and He spoke. I realized that in the past two months, during this time of being downright irritated with God, I've had more communication with Him than in a very long time. I might feel like the current situation is unfair but it’s the only one I’ve got. There will always be another busy tomorrow, another stressful day, an eternal list of possibilities and plausibilities. The trouble is not in getting “through this”. It's in being able to see and more fully appreciate the quiet, surprising, rare glimpses of Heaven I do have here. Like little miss Kiersyn Rayne's smile or, for the first time today, her laugh. These are momentary joys that point me toward what we will someday be. In the midst of trial, I have to try to see the hard times not as unfair but as an opportunity to lean into the arms of Christ all day long, for whatever reason. And to have faith that even (if not most of all) on the worst of days - whether it's demons of the past that appear out of nowhere or we are attacked by something new and frightening - God not only demands but deserves a faith that recognizes, respects and adores His light - because Light shines brightest in the darkest of nights.
Hey Krista
ReplyDeleteI read all of your posts in one sitting but still thought I'd just comment all right here so I hope you get that what I say may be from a different post:)
First, I remember these feelings. I remember when they were new. The good news is that they never go away; you just become accustomed to the enormity of what you're doing: raising a child who belongs first to the Lord. Any mother worth her salt (and you are) acknowledges that the child you hold is loved by the Father who made her (or him).
Second, I completely identify with the sentiment of "if I do my job right, my child won't need me anymore" I remember being affronted when Isaac (who's now 10 and as tall as I am)began eating cereal. He was all of 3 month old and until that point, I was meeting all of his needs in a way that no one else could (he was an exclusive nurser) When cereal came into the picture, I thought, "Anyone could feed him now. He doesn't NEED me for his nourishment." The end goal is an independent person and that means, from their first breath, we let go. Some triumphs of independence are celebrated (Hooray for potty trained people!) and some are mourned (think first day of kindergarten (my littlest starts in Aug. check with me then about how I do)) They are all bittersweet moments...but mostly sweet. The good news is to just look at your own mother, though. It was some time before I realized that my mom was still mothering me. It is different now. But a mother's words are always for the good of her children. Her actions are flavored with love and concern. It's just that now, as adult children, we have the choice to let our mothers continue to mother. I pray my own children allow me that privilege.
Third, you are right to light up email accounts, message boxes, and online forums in concern for Kiersyn's condition. She may very well outgrow her reflux by her first birthday. That doesn't mean she should have to suffer through her first year. You are her voice; her advocate. I have no doubt you will do whatever needs to be done.
Fourth, you are blessed in Danley. Because he (well, y'all) are sooooo much younger than I am, I didn't get to know him like I knew Chandra and Melanie. We had our early childhoods together, for the most part; enough to form a bond. But I do know his daddy. He has always loved each of my sweet cousins with a fierce and abiding compassion. He also has honored Glenda and held her close. I have no doubt that that example to Dan will stand you both in good stead. Parenting is stressful. It just is. Protect your marriage at all costs.
I know this is long but I'll say one more thing. God gave Kiersyn to you because He knows she needs you. And He knows you need her. He is never surprised by things that take place but has already provided you with the tools you need to meet each and every struggle you encounter. He will enable you to be the mother you need to be. Never doubt that. Remember He meets daily needs daily.
May God bless you today. Give Dan a hug for me.
D