What I Didn't Expect

I knew a lot of what to expect about motherhood. I worked in daycare with infants for years. I've seen a lot, dealt with a lot. I read some books - including the "What to Expect" one. I was ready as much as you can be. I never went through that "Ok, what do we do now?" feeling I've heard some people have when they bring home a baby. I knew I would have sleepless nights, crying (hers and my own :), endless diaper changes, etc. But despite my experience, despite my own preparations, there were still things I didn't expect.

I didn't expect that I would be in awe. I didn't know that I would stare at her in wonder and amazement at the beauty of new creation. I didn't know I could sit, holding her asleep for hours, not caring that half my body has fallen asleep. I didn't know her smile would give me strength or her hand wrapped around my finger would bring me to my knees in prayers of thankfulness.

I didn't know I would be afraid. The thought that one day a friend will hurt her feelings, that she will discover that life isn't fair and some people just don't know the meaning of compassion - that if I do my job well, she will struggle and sometimes fail - strikes my heart with terror. Almost as much as the thought that she will someday be 2, 6 or 16 and push me away... whether it be to feed herself or find herself; it scares me that the better I do my job the less she will need me.

I didn't know how many things would cease to matter. I swore up and down I would not be one of those people whose whole life is their kid(s), (i.e. one who makes their profile picture of their kid instead of themselves and every status update is about said child). I promised I wouldn't lose myself like that. I didn't know my old self would be long lost anyway.

I didn't know that I would marvel at my God more than ever in my life because the thought that He willingly gave His son is now beyond comprehension.

I didn't know watching her hurt would hurt me more than any pain I've ever felt, in a place deeper in my soul than I ever knew existed.

I didn't know how much I would come to love and appreciate my husband purely for his role in maintaining my sanity.

I didn't know that I am both far more and far less patient that I previously believed.

I didn't know motherhood would be far worse and far better, bring me more joy and more pain, and move me more deeply than I ever expected.

I didn't know I would love her this much.

I didn't expect that.




BTW.
Other things I didn't see coming:

Noticing spit up on my clothing and still walking out the door...
The "look at, speak to, joke about my child that way one more time and I will seriously knock you out" feeling... Don't test me.
That my child would KNOW which outfits are expensive and purposefully spit up only on them.
That she would, however, NOT know that in the bathtub and/or being carried naked to the tub are not times to go poop.
That the secret to cleaning dried spit up, pee, poop, etc out of your clothes, rug, upholstery (and I assume juice out of the carpet, marker off the wall...) is love. lots and lots of love.

Stay tuned. More to come.