To My Daughter on Her First Birthday

I saw an amazing Jewish movie a few years ago called Ushpizin. There’s a part in the movie when the Rabbi is asked how he has been. He answers “Terrible. Blessed be He.”  It has stayed with me and never has it been more real than this first year of your life.  Looking back, by Grace it is already hazy and seems like a bad dream - those days of trying desperately to keep you from screaming in pain. It was awful baby. You would cry and cry and writhe in pain and beg to eat without ceasing because it helped your throat feel better. For months Daddy had to swing you in your car seat for half an hour to calm you down enough to sleep. It went on and on – til you were 7 months old when it finally started to get better. So many hurdles we had to climb over. 23 doctors visits in 6 months. Reflux, Sandifers, an upper GI, feeding problems, a swallow study, an upper endoscopy, Torticollis, Plagiocephaly, Surgery… it was one thing after another and there were times when it felt like too much and so many times that if didn’t seem fair for someone so little to go through so much. How thankful we are to have made it to the other side. That’s not to say there weren’t wonderful moments because there were. Good days when you smiled more than you cried with moments when I was able to just hold you in wonder. All the hard stuff may have been terrible for us and for you – but Blessed. Be. He.  Never have I known grace, love, awe, wonder, pride like I have come to know in the past year. You have taught me so much: that sometimes praise is sacrifice and that breathing can be prayer. That rejoicing is a choice you make even when you don’t feel grateful. That there will be times when people think you are crazy or stupid for doing what you know to be right (which makes it both more difficult and more important to do it anyway). That the most love and beauty is found in unexpected places and the tiniest people. That love still overwhelms me - there are so many things I love about you: Your easy smile, the way your nose crinkles when you think something is silly, the precious way you whisper “hi” behind your pacifier in the middle of the night, the hug you greet me with every single morning that traps me against the crib til you’re ready to let go, your bright blue eyes and your sweet sloppy kisses. As your personality has become evident, I am continuously amazed that I get to be your mom. We’ve learned so much about you already:

You are affectionate. You LOVE to give hugs and kisses. You will seek us out just for a hug and a “MUAAH” kiss.

You are a very social being. You love to people watch – to smile and wave at everyone you see. Your first time at The Little Gym you tried to talk to and hug the other babies (who either looked at you like you were a bit crazy or didn’t notice at all!).

You are intelligent, curious and observant. You said your first word at 7 months and surprise us with the new things you know and understand every day.

You are independent. You want to do things by yourself, on the other side of the room, without help!

You love music. Before you were born we went to a concert and you went crazy - kicking and flipping in my tummy. After you were born you would smile when music played. Now you dance to any beat!

You love being outside. You stand at the windows, watching and exclaiming over the birds and trees, and when your reflux was still awful just being outside often helped you relax.

You are tenacious and unyielding. When you want something, you don’t give up until you are heard. If someone tries to take your hand when you are busy, you just sit down until they understand – you’re doing it on your own. Sure makes it hard on mom and dad when we have a different idea of how things should be done. But oh, how your passion makes my heart swell with pride. You have a fierce spirit – the kind that makes a fiery warrior who will stand for truth and justice without compromise. Those are the kind of people that change the world baby. I pray every day that God gives us the wisdom and patience to guide your heart. Blessed be He.

I am so blessed by you and can’t wait to watch you grow and learn in the coming years.

I love you more than you could ever know.

Happy first birthday baby girl.

By the way – this video? We try to give the best to you – we only feed you organic and the closest you had come to a dessert was a tiny bite of ice cream. This was your first inorganic, sweet treat and I thought you wouldn’t know what to do with it. Turns out, you knew EXACTLY what to do.