Time In vs. Time Out

Spoke straight to my heart.

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to help children behave better, first we have to make them feel worse?

To My Daughter on Her First Birthday

I saw an amazing Jewish movie a few years ago called Ushpizin. There’s a part in the movie when the Rabbi is asked how he has been. He answers “Terrible. Blessed be He.”  It has stayed with me and never has it been more real than this first year of your life.  Looking back, by Grace it is already hazy and seems like a bad dream - those days of trying desperately to keep you from screaming in pain. It was awful baby. You would cry and cry and writhe in pain and beg to eat without ceasing because it helped your throat feel better. For months Daddy had to swing you in your car seat for half an hour to calm you down enough to sleep. It went on and on – til you were 7 months old when it finally started to get better. So many hurdles we had to climb over. 23 doctors visits in 6 months. Reflux, Sandifers, an upper GI, feeding problems, a swallow study, an upper endoscopy, Torticollis, Plagiocephaly, Surgery… it was one thing after another and there were times when it felt like too much and so many times that if didn’t seem fair for someone so little to go through so much. How thankful we are to have made it to the other side. That’s not to say there weren’t wonderful moments because there were. Good days when you smiled more than you cried with moments when I was able to just hold you in wonder. All the hard stuff may have been terrible for us and for you – but Blessed. Be. He.  Never have I known grace, love, awe, wonder, pride like I have come to know in the past year. You have taught me so much: that sometimes praise is sacrifice and that breathing can be prayer. That rejoicing is a choice you make even when you don’t feel grateful. That there will be times when people think you are crazy or stupid for doing what you know to be right (which makes it both more difficult and more important to do it anyway). That the most love and beauty is found in unexpected places and the tiniest people. That love still overwhelms me - there are so many things I love about you: Your easy smile, the way your nose crinkles when you think something is silly, the precious way you whisper “hi” behind your pacifier in the middle of the night, the hug you greet me with every single morning that traps me against the crib til you’re ready to let go, your bright blue eyes and your sweet sloppy kisses. As your personality has become evident, I am continuously amazed that I get to be your mom. We’ve learned so much about you already:

You are affectionate. You LOVE to give hugs and kisses. You will seek us out just for a hug and a “MUAAH” kiss.

You are a very social being. You love to people watch – to smile and wave at everyone you see. Your first time at The Little Gym you tried to talk to and hug the other babies (who either looked at you like you were a bit crazy or didn’t notice at all!).

You are intelligent, curious and observant. You said your first word at 7 months and surprise us with the new things you know and understand every day.

You are independent. You want to do things by yourself, on the other side of the room, without help!

You love music. Before you were born we went to a concert and you went crazy - kicking and flipping in my tummy. After you were born you would smile when music played. Now you dance to any beat!

You love being outside. You stand at the windows, watching and exclaiming over the birds and trees, and when your reflux was still awful just being outside often helped you relax.

You are tenacious and unyielding. When you want something, you don’t give up until you are heard. If someone tries to take your hand when you are busy, you just sit down until they understand – you’re doing it on your own. Sure makes it hard on mom and dad when we have a different idea of how things should be done. But oh, how your passion makes my heart swell with pride. You have a fierce spirit – the kind that makes a fiery warrior who will stand for truth and justice without compromise. Those are the kind of people that change the world baby. I pray every day that God gives us the wisdom and patience to guide your heart. Blessed be He.

I am so blessed by you and can’t wait to watch you grow and learn in the coming years.

I love you more than you could ever know.

Happy first birthday baby girl.

By the way – this video? We try to give the best to you – we only feed you organic and the closest you had come to a dessert was a tiny bite of ice cream. This was your first inorganic, sweet treat and I thought you wouldn’t know what to do with it. Turns out, you knew EXACTLY what to do.

Camera Fun

I'm a little (read: WAY) behind on blogging but I had to share these videos. After nap time today,  we were figuring out the webcam on my computer so we can learn to use Skype. I may be biased but this just gets cuter and cuter...

Spirit Led Parenting

This is an entirely different kind of post. So before I jump into it here's the latest in our world for those who are looking for an update.
Bad News-
I am one month post sinus surgery and at my last appointment the Dr. confirmed that there is in fact infection in my left sinuses. Again. Antibiotic round 6? 7? I don't even know anymore. I can not tell you how frustrating this is.
Good News-
Kiersyn is doing wonderfully. We are still working on weaning off her medicine but she is EATING. Like a normal baby. Still have no teeth and we are still a little cautious but really. Eating. Solids. I didn't think it would happen this soon. I am so very happy for my precious little one to be experiencing normalcy I could cry. She is also SLEEPING. In a couple of weeks we have gone from more than 5 wakings in a night to sleeping 11 and 12 hours straight. It has only been a few nights and it may not last forever but we are getting closer and closer to what Dr. Sears calls "walking away from reflux".

The rest of the post is dedicated to my struggles with parenting over the past few months.


I have always been independent. And I suppose in some ways I have always been about resisting the mainstream. I don't mean this in a "being a Christian puts me at odds with the world" kind of way. I mean it in a ..."my convictions sometimes lead me away from mainstream Christianity" way. The moment I became a parent, this truth became even more alienating. There is a way of parenting it is essentially assumed that a mainstream Christian should follow. It's highlighted in many popular books, often circulated among new mothers in churches today (Think: Babywise). It often includes things like spanking, crying it out, putting baby on a schedule, feeding baby on a schedule...
From day one I have struggled with these issues. My heart just said no. To all of them. I made up my mind I would do things how I thought they should be done but a piece of my heart has felt ashamed. At one point I remember my husband inquiring to a family member about whether or not it was okay to let a baby cry-it-out and that family member responding "You have to".  It stuck with me because it made me feel sick. As if somehow I am weak for disagreeing with every ounce of my being. As if all these Godly parents around me, even members of my own family are doing things a certain way and I feel convicted not to...surely something is wrong with me.

And then tonight I found (was led to?) a blog

http://sortacrunchy.typepad.com/

It turns out I am not the only one. Not by a long shot. These two women, Laura and Megan, created this blog when their hearts were in the same place I just described: feeling alone, alienated, frustrated and like they needed to keep their parenting beliefs hush-hush. Now, they are working on a book set to come out next spring entitled Spirit-Led Parenting.
So this is where I share my heart.
Tonight I understood for the first time that I am not a weaker mother.

From the SortaCrunchy Blog:


"AJ was fighting a cold last week, and I was up several times Wednesday night/Thursday morning rocking her. 
At one point while I was rocking her, I felt like God spoke clearly to me that it's about dying to self.
So much of what is spoken to mothers (in secular and Christian material) is about maintaining and reclaiming yourself after you become a mother, but we've heard so few suggestions that one worthy response to God entrusting you with this little one is dying to your devotion to yourself.
The perspective we share is not a popular one . . . this hard truth that the first year should be less about training our babies and more about allowing ourselves to be trained by Him.  And yet we do believe that if we let Him, God can use that first intense year of baby's life to train us how to live a life that is fully surrendered to Him. Mothering with a servanthood approach can and will squeeze the very last drops of self out of us.  If we yield to it, there is such potential for spiritual growth and for learning - in the most hands-on, real-life way possible - what it truly means to be a servant leader.  It can be a year of transformation from which we emerge with a refined and sharpened perspective, equipped to experience other people, other relationships, and other situations through the eyes of a servant."

Wow.  


and then I read their post about the spiritual dimension of nighttime parenting - in other words, what you both endure and gain when you don't sleep train or use cry it out - and in an instant I accepted the words my heart has been beating to for nearly 10 months - die. to. self. I am eternally grateful to find that there are so many others who believe responding every one of the 9-12 times my 8 month old woke up in the night was not spoiling but serving. My eyes stung with tears, my heart ached and my soul announced a resounding  "Yes Lord"

It. is. ok. to parent how the Spirit leads me and to recognize and acknowledge that is what I am doing. To believe whole-heartedly that spanking and crying it out and scheduling and that book Babywise are not where the Spirit has led me. It is ok to be led towards gentleness. It is ok to not sleep train, not believe in the need for self soothing, scheduling, spanking, and to think spoiling has nothing to do with how often I hold my child. It is ok to immediately respond every time my child cries, to rock her for the simple reason that I enjoy the moment of affection and quiet time together and to believe the need for her to learn to fall asleep on her own as an infant is a culturally created myth. It is ok to be different. The Spirit does not lead us all on the same path. But the Spirit does lead. And I must follow.

With this realization comes understanding that I do not have to hide or apologize for how I am raising my daughter. This part is new and I'm still trying to come to terms with it.

In any event,
I urge you, I beg you, if you are a Chritian parent or will soon become one or might someday become one or are one right nowand you have questioned things of the "mainstream Christian parenting" sort... like spanking, crying it out, sleep training, vaccinating OR you have considered or wondered about co-sleeping, natural parenting, organic living, creation care ...
PLEASE
check out the blog.
I have been reading for hours now. I have laughed, cried, nodded and prayed my way through it...
Read a little. You might be surprised where the Spirit leads you.

Wean week 2 + Videos

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Kiersyn with her Uncle Skyler

Post-surgery continues to be exciting. Last week I woke up around 3am with a sharp headache unlike anything I had ever felt before. It was localized to one spot behind my left eye and made it hard to go back to sleep even after painkillers. Around 6am it was so bad it was the kind of pain that makes you unable to sit still or quiet. I was writhing in pain and couldn't think straight and we were about to head to the ER when I found some stronger pain pills left over from right after surgery and took two. It took about an hour and sitting with scalding hot water pouring over my face to make it until the doctor's office open. It turned out I had scabbing that had formed holding fluid in my upper sinuses. Let me tell you, having that removed was not pretty. Nor did it feel good. Now we are hoping there's no infection and I go back next week to make sure!
In Kiersyn news...It seems we have chosen a good time to wean as they have just completely quit making the generic form of her medicine. The generic cost us $10. The name brand is $132 after insurance. Wow. Luckily, Walmart is being amazing and getting leftovers from everywhere they can and letting us pick them up a couple pills at a time as they get them in. BUT she is doing GREAT on her medication wean! We have successfully halved her morning dose. At first she started spitting up a ton again and her sleep was really messed up. She couldn't nap for more than 20 minutes at time BUT it lasted only a few days and it seems everything has calmed down. However, with the changes, she has become very attached to her routine and her crib which led to an absolute meltdown on Thanksgiving. I'm feeling leery of our Christmas travels and how it will all work out. In any event, we are moving even slower than the 6 week recommendation and hopefully that will help with any other complications. Kiersyn is now feeding herself small solids like yogurt melts and cereal puffs AND... for three days in a row now she has had two meals of actual baby food and not had any serious issues with it. !!! Hopefully, one of these days a tooth will show up.

Enjoy the videos!
The first is learning to play peek-a-boo, the second is her checking out her Kiwi Bird from New Zealand (she has an aunt, uncle and cousins there who she will meet for the first time at Christmas!), third is playing with bubbles, fourth is dancing and the last one is my little jumping bean.

A Very Long Day

It was a very. long. day.

Kiersyn had a doctor’s appointment. They went ahead and did the blood work to check her thyroid. It was terrible. The first place stuck her and couldn’t get a vein so they sent us somewhere else where 3 of us held her down on a table and they had to dig around trying to find a vein for what felt like eternity. They never really got a good one and we had to wait forever for the stupid vial to fill with blood.

It was also the first time I had to address with our pediatrician that we are not currently continuing with vaccinations. As I feared, she was unhappy and expressed her disdain. I know it shouldn’t matter but I was pretty brokenhearted over the judgment I felt by the doctor. It has not been a decision I have taken lightly, I’ve done the research, weighed the risks and made the decision I felt I could live with. Isn’t that what we’re all doing as parents? And so we begin the search for a new pediatrician – one who supports alternative vaccination schedules, alternative medicine and a patient’s right to be in control of their own healthcare.  Thanks to Dr. Sears Vaccine Friendly list we have a few options right now. Any DFW mommas out there with a vaccine friendly doctor not listed there, PLEASE feel free to shoot me a message.

Additionally, we’ve begun to wean Kiersyn off her medication.

We’re on a 6 week plan to slowly reduce the dosage. I’m trying to go into this expecting nothing. I know we could make it 5 days or 5 weeks in and have to give up. I know there will be difficult days and nights no matter what. I don’t know how much I can push through, or how much I can let her endure to make it to the other side (if that’s a possibility). Prayers for this process? Please?

This comes at the end of several days of struggling with our insurance company for a whole lot of money they owe us for Kiersyn’s formula. It has become so frustrating and exhausting that I am very close to letting go of it. There’s really no amount of money worth the stress and emotional drain the fight has become.

It’s been a long few days… in the middle of recovering from surgery.

Did I tell you Kiersyn hit me in the nose with her head? That complicated things. I have an appointment Monday for them to check to see if it’s broken or fractured. They wanted to wait and let any swelling go back down. Based on the pain. pressure and swelling, I think there’s a chance there’s a small fracture. Of course not much can be done for that but mourn the fact that my surgically corrected septum is probably no longer perfectly straight. I find this kind of funny. Mostly because I figure nothing can get the best of me if I can laugh at it.   

After these past few days making stressful decisions that I am constantly aware could have lasting effects on my child’s future, I’m just trying to wrap my mind around the gravity of my job and the magnitude of the work God can do through a mother.

There are days when motherhood feels like a weight so heavy upon me that I can’t move from under it. Let me be clear, I do not mean that my daughter makes me feel this way.   She is joy. She is laughter.  She is a light burning bright. But motherhood… the essence of the mission and the ministry… is. so. much.  To think I am raising a person, a human being. Shaping a soul. Creating a disciple… That’s a big responsibility. That’s a huge responsibility deeply rooted in my own relationship with God and I’m struggling with how much my child’s future depends on my own here-and-now. I mean, I think there are some things that we are born with. Tendencies, disposition, personality traits… but I believe most anything can be taught. In many ways, in BIG ways, how Kiersyn handles difficult situations, how she forms and maintains relationships with other people, who she becomes and how she influences this world… starts with something as simple as my attitude in the face of stress.

I just keep asking myself, am I teaching this little soul to bear fruit by …bearing fruit?

Am I filling her days with Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control?

It’s just…

I was prepared to mold a child. But I wasn’t prepared for how much this would mold me.

It’s a strange thing that happens as you parent. You become more sensitive to the needs of others in everything from decision making to conversation simply from the habit of putting someone else’s needs first. You begin to care more about the world around you because you realize it isn’t just the place you live, it’s the environment in which your child will raise your grandchildren…

I guess I’m saying…

I knew adults make babies.

But

I never knew how much babies make us adults.

Post-Op

I survived surgery. I can now add functional septoplasty, turbinate reduction and balloon sinuplasty to my list of unpleasant experiences. The first day was not all that bad due to the influence of anesthesia though I apparently gave everyone a scare waking up from surgery. I’m not sure of all the details since I wasn’t truly aware but it seems I had a hard time waking up from anesthesia and went into tremors, finally woke up, started talking and was being moved to recovery when I suddenly went back under. They had called Danley back already and then were upset to have him there because I wasn’t really waking up. I remember them calling my name a bunch and telling the anesthesiologist “No, she isn’t just asleep, it’s neurological.”  Just keeping things interesting.

I will spare you too many details but recovering from nasal/sinus surgery is gross and uncomfortable. Lots of swelling, bleeding, itchy internal stitches, inability to breathe or sleep plus nausea from steroids, antibiotics and pain pills abound. However, I am beginning to feel a bit better and hopefully it all gets better from here!

Thankfully, I have my amazing mom who, despite dealing with her own pain, was able to stay with us the first two days and take care of both baby K and myself. Thanks mom! Danley has taken over for the weekend and let me brag a minute here because I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful husband who is entirely capable of taking care of Kiersyn. I hear a lot of complaints from moms about their husbands being clueless about taking care of the kids and I just can’t imagine. I mean, my husband often reminds me of things I’ve forgotten to pack in the diaper bag.  It’s such a relief to have a husband who is an entirely equal parent, knows her schedule, and doesn’t need instructions. Love. Him.

Kiersyn is her happy self for the most part. She has occasional times when she is cranky, just seems exhausted all day, and like her face is puffy and swollen. Those are things we will be addressing with the endocrinologist in addition to her random weight gains/losses in a few weeks. It seems quite likely to me that if these things are not a thyroid problem – they are side effects from her reflux medication. The knowledge that we have to attempt to wean off it at some point looms ahead...

With not much else to report, I’ll leave you with some pictures of the baby girl.