This is an entirely different kind of post. So before I jump into it here's the latest in our world for those who are looking for an update.
Bad News-
I am one month post sinus surgery and at my last appointment the Dr. confirmed that there is in fact infection in my left sinuses. Again. Antibiotic round 6? 7? I don't even know anymore. I can not tell you how frustrating this is.
Good News-
Kiersyn is doing wonderfully. We are still working on weaning off her medicine but she is EATING. Like a normal baby. Still have no teeth and we are still a little cautious but really. Eating. Solids. I didn't think it would happen this soon. I am so very happy for my precious little one to be experiencing normalcy I could cry. She is also SLEEPING. In a couple of weeks we have gone from more than 5 wakings in a night to sleeping 11 and 12 hours straight. It has only been a few nights and it may not last forever but we are getting closer and closer to what Dr. Sears calls "walking away from reflux".
The rest of the post is dedicated to my struggles with parenting over the past few months.
I have always been independent. And I suppose in some ways I have always been about resisting the mainstream. I don't mean this in a "being a Christian puts me at odds with the world" kind of way. I mean it in a ..."my convictions sometimes lead me away from mainstream Christianity" way. The moment I became a parent, this truth became even more alienating. There is a way of parenting it is essentially assumed that a mainstream Christian should follow. It's highlighted in many popular books, often circulated among new mothers in churches today (Think: Babywise). It often includes things like spanking, crying it out, putting baby on a schedule, feeding baby on a schedule...
From day one I have struggled with these issues. My heart just said no. To all of them. I made up my mind I would do things how I thought they should be done but a piece of my heart has felt ashamed. At one point I remember my husband inquiring to a family member about
whether or not it was okay to let a baby cry-it-out and that family
member responding "You have to". It stuck with me because it made me feel sick. As if somehow I am weak for disagreeing with every ounce of my being. As if all these Godly parents around me, even members of my own family are doing things a certain way and I feel convicted not to...surely something is wrong with me.
And then tonight I found (was led to?) a blog
http://sortacrunchy.typepad.com/
It turns out I am not the only one. Not by a long shot. These two women, Laura and Megan, created this blog when their hearts were in the same place I just described: feeling alone, alienated, frustrated and like they needed to keep their parenting beliefs hush-hush. Now, they are working on a book set to come out next spring entitled Spirit-Led Parenting.
So this is where I share my heart.
Tonight I understood for the first time that I am not a weaker mother.
From the SortaCrunchy Blog:
"AJ was fighting a cold last week, and I was up several times
Wednesday night/Thursday morning rocking her.
At one point while I was
rocking her, I felt like God spoke clearly to me that it's about dying to self.
So much of what is spoken to mothers (in secular and Christian
material) is about maintaining and reclaiming yourself after you become a
mother, but we've heard so few suggestions that one worthy response to God entrusting you with this little one is dying to your devotion to yourself.
The perspective we share is not a popular one . . . this hard truth
that the first year should be less about training our babies and more
about allowing ourselves to be trained by Him. And yet we do believe
that if we let Him, God can use that first intense year of baby's life
to train us how to live a life that is fully
surrendered to Him. Mothering with a servanthood approach can and will
squeeze the very last drops of self out of
us. If we yield to it, there is such potential for spiritual growth and
for learning - in the most hands-on, real-life way possible - what it
truly means to be a servant leader. It can be a year of
transformation from which we emerge with a refined and
sharpened perspective, equipped to experience other people, other
relationships, and other situations through the eyes of a servant."
Wow.
and then I read their post about the spiritual dimension of nighttime parenting - in other words, what you both endure and gain when you don't sleep train or use cry it out - and in an instant I accepted the words my heart has been beating to for nearly 10 months - die.
to. self. I am eternally grateful to find that there are so many others who believe
responding every one of the 9-12 times my 8 month old woke up in the
night was not spoiling but serving. My eyes stung with tears, my heart ached and my soul announced
a resounding "Yes Lord"
It. is. ok. to parent how the Spirit leads me and to recognize and acknowledge that is what I am doing. To believe whole-heartedly that spanking and crying it out and scheduling and that book Babywise are not where the Spirit has led me. It is ok to be led towards gentleness. It is ok to not sleep train, not believe in the need for self soothing, scheduling, spanking, and to think spoiling has nothing to do with how often I hold my child. It is ok to immediately respond every time my child cries, to rock her for the simple reason that I enjoy the moment of affection and quiet time together and to believe the need for her to learn to fall asleep on her own as an infant is a culturally created myth. It is ok to be different. The Spirit does not lead us all on the same path. But the Spirit does lead. And I must follow.
With this realization comes understanding that I do not have to hide or apologize for how I am raising my daughter. This part is new and I'm still trying to come to terms with it.
In any event,
I urge you, I beg you, if you are a Chritian parent or will soon become one or might someday become one or are one right nowand you have questioned things of the "mainstream Christian parenting" sort... like spanking, crying it out, sleep training, vaccinating OR you have considered or wondered about co-sleeping, natural parenting, organic living, creation care ...
PLEASE
check out the blog.
I have been reading for hours now. I have laughed, cried, nodded and prayed my way through it...
Read a little. You might be surprised where the Spirit leads you.
